Some people avoid conflict at all costs. This could be because they are afraid they are wrong, or they’re worried that the relationship will be harmed or even destroyed by an argument.
It could also mean that in their childhood, or at some other significant time in their lives, conflict resulted in physical or emotional pain.
Here are some ideas for initiating a conversation about a disagreement with a marital conflict avoider.
Allow Plenty of Time
Someone who habitually avoids conflict in marriage needs time to formulate his ideas think about his possible responses. Trying to rush or force him into a response will just about always result in him bailing out of the conversation completely.
This means a partner should not attempt to start the discussion before one person has to leave for work or an appointment. Also, an intense conversation shouldn’t be held in a car or other confined space, where the marital conflict avoider will feel trapped. The environment should be relaxed, calm, and non-threatening.
Set Up or Frame Marital Discussion in a Positive Way
Saying, “We need to talk,” often tells a conflict avoider to head for the hills as though his brain hears this as “Danger! Incoming!”
Instead, try opening up the discussion with a specific request, like, “I need your help with trying to figure out how to deal with the bills this month.”
Or, preface it with a statement that spells out the value of the relationship; “Your feelings about this mean a lot to me. How can I make you feel more comfortable with my family?”
Establish Ground Rules That Create a Feeling of Safety
A conflict avoider in marriage or any other intimate relationship is often afraid that a disagreement will escalate in a dangerous way.
Saying something along the lines of, “I promise I won’t raise my voice or get out of control if you will take a few minutes to talk with me about the credit card,” can make a difficult conversation feel much less threatening to the conflict avoider.
Use “I Language” to Avoid Blame
Most people know that they should phrase things from their own perspective rather than saying “You this!” or “You that!” which puts the other person immediately on the defensive.
Knowing this is the best thing to do, and actually doing it, are two different things! During a serious discussion in marriage, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed and point the finger of blame. And feeling blamed will also send a conflict avoider running the other way.
Instead, say something like, “From my side, it seems like too much money was spent on eating out this month. What do you think?”
Use a Different Medium to Communicate
Sometimes, a letter or an email is an easier way for a conflict avoider to receive information about an issue in the relationship. This gives him time and space to collect his thoughts and think about his feelings and responses.
Talk Over Coffee or a Meal
A distraction like a cup of tea or coffee, an ice cream cone, or a nice meal can diffuse some of the tension of a difficult conversation, and can help to put a conflict avoider at ease.
Focus on the Behavior, not the Person
When communicating a complaint about a partner, it’s important not to attack him as a person. “You are such a coward!” is a criticism, not a complaint.
“I notice that you walk away when I talk to you about your mother. What can I do differently so you’ll stay engaged with me?” is a complaint about the behavior and a request for help – both effective ways to maintain the connection with a marital conflict avoider.
Practice Patience & Empathy
Remember, a conflict avoider usually has something in his history that causes him to be cautious or even frightened about conflict. Stay calm, focus on the issue, ask for his perceptions, his feelings and his help with the situation. All of these strategies should help a marital conflict avoider to stay connected and engaged in the conversation.
Want to learn more about conflict resolution styles? See Conflict Management Styles in Marriage.
Or see Is it Time to See a Marriage Counselor? if conflict is continuous or violent.
Sources:
Notarius, Clifford and Markman, Howard. We Can Work it Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, & Strengthen Your Love for Each Other. New York: The Penguin Group, 1993.
Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce; and Heen, Sheila. Difficult Conversations. New York: The Penguin Group, 1999.
