When egos are involved, it’s easy for feelings to get hurt, causing individuals in an intimate relationship to lash out by name-calling or bringing up past mistakes.
During a calm, harmonious period in a relationship, it’s a good idea for couples to set aside some time to come up with a set of rules for fair fighting. After all, conflict is unavoidable when people are living together. What is avoidable is conflict that’s destructive, hurtful or punitive. Simple ground rules can go a long way to prevent these effects.
No Yelling, Intimidating Behaviors or Name-Calling
People often think that if they yell, their partner will better hear them. Nothing could be further from the truth; when people are yelled at, their automatic response is usually to tune the other person out.
Similarly, name-calling, slamming doors, throwing things or using intimidating body language like holding a fist in front of someone’s face immediately takes the emphasis off the message. The other person stops listening and his thoughts switch over to “How do I stay safe?” or “I need to get out of here!”
Take a Time-Out When Things Get Heated
Marriage researcher John Gottman frequently talks about a phenomenon called “flooding,” a situation that often occurs when arguments get heated. When an individual is flooded, she is overwhelmed by her feelings and she loses her ability to think and behave rationally.
If one or both partners become flooded, it’s important to take a break from the discussion and do something to calm down. But don’t scream, “I’m out of here!” and storm out of the house. Separate in a healthy way by saying something like, “I need to take a time out. I’m going to go for a walk and I’ll be back in half an hour.”
Talk About One Issue at a Time
Couples often drag their entire list of grievances around with them and bombard their partner with each and every one during a fight. This is counter-productive, to say the least; it turns what should be a conversation about a disagreement into a contest of complaints. There’s no resolution to this kind of fight.
Instead, partners should stay focused on the issue at hand. Each partner should describe his or her perspective using “I-language,” listen to the perspective of the other without interrupting, and talk about possible solutions.
Be Accountable
It might be a cliché, but when it comes to conflict, it definitely takes two. Think, “What did I do to contribute to this problem?” Often, when one partner admits her part in a conflict, the other partner's anger lessens; sometimes it almost seems to melt away.
Admitting one’s mistakes – also called being accountable – moves a conflict towards resolution. It also causes partners to address the only behaviors they have control over – their own.
Fight Fair
Resist name-calling, yelling and intimidation, take a time out when overwhelmed, admit mistakes, and stay focused on the issue at hand. Using these behaviors as ground rules will help married couples to turn conflict into resolution and understanding.
Find this article interesting? Check out Conflict Management Styles.
Source:
The Gottman Institute (accessed March 15, 2010).
